soliloquy of the solipsist

bitterness is a paralytic. love is a much more vicious motivator.

slipping

I think I’m slipping away from it all; My grasp on the edge is faltering. Every single thing you do that I find sweet or endearing pulls me back to you, only for you to tear my heart out of my chest and toss it to the ground, over and over again. I tell myself you’ll never fool me again when you do it but then you spill sweet nothings into my ear and I’ll spiral down into the hole you’ve created for me. You watch me like I was made to please you, like I belong to you. You seem like you don’t even know it. Do you? Do you know how difficult it has been for me to keep doing this to myself? Do you know how much of myself I’ve thrown at you only to get nothing back and when I seem distant, all you have to do is touch me where I like it and I’m back in your arms.

My friends have told me countless times to let go of you, to remove all of you from myself as much as possible and I know that that day will come but trust me, it will be painful. It will be absolute torture on my emotions and my mind to burn all the things you’ve said to me, you’ve done to me and all the memories we made. All the happiness created between us, was it not enough to make you stay?  How horrid it is, to treat someone with such utter disrespect when everything they’ve done is for you. When they’re almost living for you and you’re just there taking everything for granted. You’re my first and last thought in the day and pretty much everything in between too. I see you almost everyday during school term and soon, soon that will disappear. Not because I am moving but because you have not learnt to mature enough to deserve what I give to you. You have not matured enough to understand that everything I do for you is out of love, romantic or not. You told me you wanted this to be platonic and so I agreed, but you knew the risk that you and I were taking. I asked if being too affectionate would make us (or me more specifically) too attached until we couldn’t bear to be apart but you told me it was alright and that it would make our relationship a lot smoother. But no, it hasn’t. You’ve put in a very strange spot, dangling between here and there. You have no obligation to me to, for example, talk to me all the time or be there in the way boyfriends are but who are we kidding? Of course I would expect it a little; we do everything couples do except call it official. Sure, I’m always torn between these two stages with a lot of boys but this is the furthest I have gone without being in an official relationship and the child in me is chiding me for letting this go without fulfilling our fantasy of the perfect boy first.

Not only that, you’ve been a pretty bad “best friend” too. While it is totally fine to have more than one best friend (I have about 6), you still have to be loyal to them. You don’t neglect one to be with the other. Especially if your other best friends/friends are in groups while I’m not. I don’t exactly have a group within the class because our clique broke up. Two girls decided to be absolute drama queens and leave, the other one left because you were being a dick to her and now I’m left with you. I still have her but she has her boyfriend as well and we don’t spend that much time together physically outside school anymore. You however, decide that you should literally worship the other “best friends” that you have and follow them around like their dog. It’s so clear to everyone that you’re with them because you chase grades and they’re the best in the class. So you push everyone else aside just to get to the top? That is not the guy that I am friends with nor the one I fell for. I’m not saying that you have to be lazy with me but it really seems like you only want them because one of your best friends is in there and the other two so happened to be there and be at the top. I will admit, it makes me jealous, how you happily go along to whatever they want to do and go wherever they want to go but with me it’s restricted to certain places. With them, you can spend hours talking and never want to leave. I can provide endless conversations for you too but no, you decide you want to leave as soon as the job as done and go home and play games. You won’t see me unless we are having sex. When we’re alone we’re always doing sexual things. Sometimes I kinda miss just talking and obviously that makes you happy to but you restrict that to something you only do with them. It broke my heart to realise that when one of them is out alone and you are called upon to join them, you would go with no hesitation spontaneously but if I invite you the day before, you make up excuses like “I heard the movie wasn’t that great.” For god’s sake, if we were watching it with them, you would go right? What is wrong with you? You are only lucky that my group of friends aren’t part of our class.

You clearly ignore me when we’re out with them and when we’re alone, it seems like we’re the only two people in the world which makes me infinitely happy. If we were just real friends with benefits, you wouldn’t do sweet things like hold me in your arms and plant kisses on my neck and my face. You wouldn’t want to teach me how to ride a bike after a session. You wouldn’t want to dance with me and jump on the bed. You wouldn’t want to let me make a playlist for you. But you do. You let me do all these things for you and you’re taking them for granted. You never do anything in return. I don’t ask for a lot, just your time and your attention because your goddamn presence means a lot to me and leaving you everyday tears away at me, I don’t even know how I’m going to survive internship which is 5 months long or after graduation when I leave for university and you join the army. Will we be able to keep our friendship in the first place? Does my friendship and my love mean enough to you to want to keep it up? Does my presence give you so much warmth in your heart that when I leave, you feel nothing but the biting cold and everything is bitter? I don’t think so, but then again, you have yet to prove me wrong so we shall see.

But in the mean time, a tip to myself. Keep your chin up girl, boys are scum who tread on your heart, but only if you let them. Better days will come. Your friends and family love you.

a lack of colour

So it’s been a while since I last posted. Like, a really long while. 5 months long.

Breaking down the last 5 months, basically I had a really stressful time in school because I was struggling and was also desperate to get my grades up from my horrible one last semester. I lost a friend. I also confessed to orange boy because, why not? I never really believed in keeping all these feelings inside me haha. And… no surprise, he rejected. I went to the UK for holiday and also dropped my phone in some water and I was phone-less for the last few days of my solo week and also fell sick. Things never go your ways sometimes you know? Even when you’ve been dreaming and planning all year for it… I also met some new people during the last 3 months as well. I got the grades I wanted and I’m so happy for that but I unfortunately didn’t get into the specialisation I wanted. Damn.

Anyways so about those new people. They’re orange boy’s old school mates. I got close to one of them. Let’s name him Krieg (after his favourite game character). Some background info about him, he used to like this girl in his class who ended up rejecting him (much like orange boy) and was devastated and heart broken. We started getting close when we played L4D together and he was a good texting buddy during my horrible stressful school days. We got even closer after some late night chatting on skype and through a new game I got called Borderlands 2. We coincidentally made characters whereby his character was rather attached to my character. And our texts and talks are of a flirty and playful nature so this added information heightened (?) the mood?? I have no idea. But anyways, we played ’til super late almost every night for about 5/6 weeks and in between went out twice to have a nice chit chat. I was a little wary at first but after finding out he was a really nice person to talk about life with, I agreed. He opened up and so did I and for a while I actually thought about him… in a slightly romantic sense. We were both people who wore our hearts on our sleeves and passionate about our friends and we both even agreed we love our friends so much we’d actually die for them. We exchanged hugs on our second meeting and he even walked me home since it was quite late at night.

However, now I’m stuck. Due to our constant talking, I realised I haven’t had enough time for my other friends and time for myself. I started to get self-conscious about it and it coincided with the OP levels of the game (wherein the enemies are up to 8 levels higher than you and so are super hard to defeat). I got frustrated at dying and due to that our game sessions got shorter. I started to have less things to talk about and also started worrying more about my next semester since I realised I probably would have to do a lot of hard work just to be on par with my classmates. And I also feel he’s using me as a means to cure his boredom since he can’t do much at home and all. Now my anxiety is taking over and I’m scared of awkward skype conversations, I’m starting to cringe at the way he pronounces words and I reject a lot of his skype or gaming offers. And when he invites me to go out with just him with his friends, I decline too. Am I being mean or just anxious? I also need to do stuff like practice my tablet drawing and just my drawing in general sigh… Why do I offer emotional support to people so quickly and then they get attached to me? Although I cannot deny that I did enjoy the talks we had but now… I feel like any conversation we have now will just be boring and I can’t do many things like sing and dance in my room because he’d be there technically and I have nothing to tell him?? I guess the only solution will be to play or talk to him sparingly now…

31 Aphorisms Every Single Girl Should Live By

Thought Catalog

via Flickr – André Felipe

I don’t care too much for New Year’s resolutions (or blog posts about them, ironically). For me, they’re too grandiose — lose weight, drink less, stop sleeping with emotionally unavailable, narcissistic men — to realistically define, track or achieve.

Intention is great but willpower often loses to reality after six short weeks. Only a mere 8 percent of Americans actually achieve their big ideas. I’m no mathematician but I believe that means a staggering 92 percent of people fail miserably at a daunting to-do list.

Instead of resolutions, I write down aphorisms each year to help influence my mindset and guide my thoughts and behaviors well beyond the next 365 days. Some are poignant reminders; others aim to dramatically shift my thinking; few are audaciously clichéd; all are to be repeated over and over again until proclaiming them out loud wills them into reality.

  1. Challenge…

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Why You Should Not Date A Girl Who Writes

Thought Catalog

Girl who writes

flickr

“A writer is a foreign country.” –Marguerite Duras

Did you recently start seeing a girl who writes? You might be thinking, “Score!” and high-five your inner hipster/wannabe-lit-kid, but not so fast. There are a few things you should know before you start buying tickets to poetry readings and padding your bookshelves with works that don’t have “For Dummies” in the title. From the top:

She is more Pocahontas than Cinderella

This does not mean she is best friends with raccoons and talks to trees (though she might). It means she is restless and won’t be content with what she has, even if it is a glass slipper. She always wants to know what else is out there and will go to great lengths to find it because she needs to be thrilled, to be shown something new, to learn something. She needs upheaval, adventure, because to her that is…

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When You’re More In Love With The Idea Of A Person Than You Are With Them

Thought Catalog

Gianni CumboGianni Cumbo

We talked last week for the first time in months. I was going to tell you that I liked you because I knew your rejection was what I needed to finally move on.

You told me five months ago that you were afraid of heights, but you still came climbing with me — even though you knew that we would be isolated and stuck on the rocks for some time. We were supposed to play Pin-The-Mustache On The Character while watching “Up” but we didn’t have scissors or tape. You listened to me talk about strategy behind my favorite childhood game, Hot Lava Monster, and proceeded to play a round with me.

You also asked me if I thought I were crazy, but not that kind of crazy. I smiled back, completely clear of what you meant. Yes, I do think I’m crazy in that way. One of…

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update on the orange boy

  • i love when you get really self conscious about everything I or others tell you about yourself.

    when you knew she liked you and i told you that very day, i remember how silent you were and i knew you didn’t turn her down because you didn’t like her but other than not having any mutual feelings, i knew there were feelings of denial and you couldn’t believe that anyone could like you romantically.

    months later and i’ve brought her up again and both grape mom and i are telling you all your admirable traits and i remember how much you smiled and tried to laugh it off and i’d like to think you were happy and a little shocked to find out that people actually had thoughts like that about you. And i know you were probably a little overwhelmed because you’re not an egomaniac (like me). On the contrary, i think you probably didn’t want to hear it but it was nice to see your cute expressions and i swear i just wanted to hold your hand, look you in the eye and tell you it’s true before pecking you lightly on the lips.

    i asked you if you considered me your best friend and your response was truly something special, at least to me. you just made me feel so secure and happy and i couldn’t have asked for anyone better. with everyone really i’ve always felt that hint of judgement. i’ve always floated from friend to friend. sometimes i’d bitch about one friend to the other and it’s sad how all my friendships have turned out to be just about us bitching about some girl. not that i’m saying i’m not close to them but i feel like there is always something i can’t really say or do, for fear of judgement and rejection. and i guess that’s why i have so many friends, a group for this issue, another for that issue. but with you, i feel like anything goes. like you’d listen to every stupid thing i’d have to say and i’d do the same for you. i almost cried. it was so legit.

    then i also told you how grape mom and i thought that you were the most dateable guy in class and i remember your disbelief and how you said you couldn’t sleep that night and saying how you got lucky cos the other ‘contestants’ were just really bad (which was true haha) but i hope you saw the faith and love we have you.

    the next day after i spent a whole day with grape mom talking i actually got a little scared because we talked about liking blue and i actually kinda got convinced. i’ll never say this to you but i actually went home with a rather heavy heart. i was afraid that you would confirm the suspicion and though i will tell you i am happy for you but inside, my entire being would have stopped working and it would feel like a huge trapdoor had opened from underneath me (suspicion) and i had managed to grab onto the sides and then you stepped on my fingers (confirmation) and let me fall into the never ending chasm of denial and sadness. but to my surprise you had asked me to actually call you and i was so happy i did a sorta happy little dance in my room. i loved how we actually could address the whole ‘who do you like?’ issue rather comfortably and it’s always a joy to talk to you. and i’m glad we weren’t face to face because when grape mom mentioned she shipped you and me together i could feel my whole face get warm and i’m not sure what your true reaction was. ideally it could go like you mention it and say, ‘hmm… i guess that’s true.’ but you know, we don’t live in fantasy land. i can’t believe we actually talked for 3 hours.

  • i love when you smile or laugh and your whole face lights up and your eyes curve into crescent moon shapes. your ‘eye-smile’ is so adorable. i love how you get conscious about that too and buried your face into a pillow after we insisted it was cute.
  • i’m not sure why, but whenever i got the feeling that you’ll be wearing the doctor who shirt, you do wear the shirt.
  • i love that blue shirt you bought from Topman. It fits you like a glove.
  • i’ve been dreaming about you lately actually.
  • i love your sleepy voice, it’s so adorable it made me feel like i was right next to you in bed, just listening to you fall asleep.
  • when i watched 500 days of summer, it made me think of you but you’re not entirely Tom Hanson, and I’m not Summer Finn, or vice versa. We’re a little bit of both mixed with scared of commitment but ready to fly.
  • when we watched horror movies, you scared face was so cute too. and there was a moment when you leaned in closer to me, maybe you needed my comfort but was too scared to ask for it and i hope you noticed that i leaned very slightly into you as well. I hope you know, i’ll be there for you when you need me to be.

 

what a strange feeling

i cannot deny the tiny moments where i felt drawn to you. i only push away these feelings because you are not mine to fawn over. and i do not want to upset both of you, and myself. you creep into my mind like little bed bugs crawling around. i think about you when i least expect to, when i’m bored my mind drifts to you and how you could banish this drabness.

everyone says we look like an item and i know we do. i remember when we went out with the others on tuesday and you were constantly trying to provoke me like it’s your favourite past time and whatever result i produced cracked you up every time, like when you pinched me really hard and i started yelling at you and all you did was laugh at me. that time when we went down to where they sold moon cakes and we stole every sample off the counters and you teased me with one of the pieces which you then fed to me. when i talked to my friends about the possibility of hooking up with a good friend in the future their immediate thought was you when i originally meant for the future to be at 23. even she says that if you were to like anyone and it would be me and secretly i agreed with her because i notice what we do as if i were a third party. is that weird?

i notice everything about you, even more than she does. how your hair frames your face at a certain angle after you sweep it back. how you looked absolutely fantastic when i made you try on that shirt and you unbuttoned the first two buttons. how nice your forearms look when you roll your jacket up (and the green of your jacket matches mine perfectly). how your hands match the perfect definition of artist hands because they create art when you move your tools across the paper. how the shirts that actually fit you properly showed off your slim figure and your slightly broad shoulders and how those shoes we picked out fit you like magic and made your legs look endless.

but most importantly, i notice how your laugh lights up everyone’s day because you tell the best jokes, no matter how corny and cheesy they are. how you are so good to talk to because it’s hard to find people with the ability to switch between topics with such fluidity and ease. how you listen so well on top of being able to how a proper conversation. how you strive to make everyone happy, no matter how bad your day went. how you click so well with children and even my own brother. how you tease people, especially me and even though it seems annoying, i know it’s your way of showing how much you care and it becomes endearing. how you’re actually not as happy as we think you are because your family treats you like shit but yet you care and respect them enough, which is hard to do with the kind of family members you have. how you actually radiate the colour orange.

that thursday was magical. not in a romantic way though. i finally got the chance to meet you properly. it was our first time with just the two of us. and we really bonded in a way i’ve never had the chance to bond with anyone before. i’ve known you for less than 6 months but i feel like we’ve known each other for ages. i never imagined i could talk and walk around with you while you were carrying that ridiculous board for close to 6 hours. i guess i should’ve known judging by the first day of school. i remember you picked up the ‘secret’ i had written for class and your execution of it was spot on. it was hilarious and i just knew we’d be really close. you made me laugh so hard that day, something i’ve only been able to do with people who i’ve spent years knowing. it was nice that i realised that i can be friends with a guy. but i also realised, i don’t think we can go past the best friend level. half of me is disappointed but the other half tells me that it’s a good thing because sometimes friends fill some voids that a relationship cannot. and even though we’ll never be together, i know you will still protect me and all our friends because i can see how much you care for us and it’s heartwarming.

and in the end, when we came down from the high of laughing uncontrollably and your friend left, i remember just walking silently next to each other, the bustle of the city in the background and it was relaxing. you asked what i was thinking about and i simply replied, stuff. and when i came out of the bathroom, i saw you leaning against the railing and staring into nothingness. i came up next to you and leaned against it too. i asked you, so what you thinking about and you gave me a smirk and replied, stuff. and we just walked back to the train. and that was when i came to the conclusion that honestly i’m in love with our friendship and despite the fact that we will never be i just want you to know that i love you. and i guess, you will be my artist and i will be your writer.