by arishaaar


[awkward paper crane photo]

At times like this (3 in the morning), I find myself in a ranting mood.

I will never be able to express my utmost dislike for relationship drama. Especially in a girls’ school, the amount of insulting and badmouthing is massive. They come in the form of unfriending on Facebook, indirect tweets which lead to the suspicion and tension between both parties. They are both in some sort of silent competition to see who can use fancier english terms for “hate”, “ugly” and other negative things. It’s almost like saying: you’re a bitch but I didn’t say who so I’m not guilty of insulting anybody. Even though EVERYBODY knows who they are talking about. I myself have partaken in this indirect tweeting. For me, the accuser tweets indirectly they’ve got a problem with something I did 2 seconds ago. I didn’t want to but I felt I had the rights and reasons to. Indirect tweeting is extremely misleading too. One time I thought my friend was annoyed at me for correcting her grammatical and language mistakes (she’s not very good in English) and then she indirectly tweeted: cant you see im in a bad mood.youre annoying me. (yes that is how she types) Foolish me thought it was me and I tweeted back: fuck you. Luckily she clarified with me later that it was about another girl I did not know about.

I have been a outcast before. Yes to people who’ve just met me or have maybe stuck with me all these years may find this rather shocking as I’ve been said to be “Charismatic”, “funny”, “people person.” What’s not to like? I’ve seen countless “friends” leave me. Literally abandon me all of a sudden for no rhyme and reason. Then they talk to my remaining friends about me, saying that I’m a bitch and good-for-nothing. I’m clingy and too annoying. If there’s one thing I hate it’s loneliness. I hate the thought and feeling of being alone. Not single but alone. No friends. No one to trust. Nobody. Everyone in my class had a clique or group they were in. Somewhere they belonged in. After my friend’s left me, I had no more sense of belonging. I began to turn cold and volatile. Some of my remaining friends tried to talk me out of it saying it might have been because of a small misunderstanding but none of them talked about it after they left. They quickly moved on and only talked about how much of a bitch I am.

I am thankful for my strong will power and fortunate dislike of destroying my body. Cutting myself or killing myself has never crossed my mind more than once or twice. I am proud to say I did not fall into a major state of depression, it was mostly me thinking I am depressed when actually I’m just sad and dissapointed they left me. “They’re missing out!” I tell myself sometimes.