We are young.

by arishaaar

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I’m not one for “fluffy”, lovey-dovey moments but I’ve come to appreciate it more. The snuggling, the hugging, the kissing, the daily texts. Matching clothes (YOU KNOW I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU ALFRED). The dates, the late-night calls, the giggling with friends. That smile when he or she does something sweet for you.

I guess you could say I’m “heartless.” Void of all emotions especially the emotion of love in terms of boyfriend and girlfriend. While my friends squealed over their latest crush from church or their performing arts crew, I sat at the side, watching them and giving advice whenever they wanted it. I was there as a listener.

I’m rather close to a friend of mine and I’m going to name him C. C and I have known each other for a total of 3 years and counting and he is slightly older than me. At first, I of course took him to be nothing more than a friend and a brother. But slowly as we talked more, hung out more at the park and I began to learn that hey, he isn’t that bad and he’s a nice guy, feelings started to form and I rather embarrassingly and obviously (to everyone… including him) tried to show it but as subtly as possible. I still hit him and insulted him but it became “flirty gestures” according to those who were witnessed it.

We have this interesting relationship. If I could put it in a graph it would be a curve, bell-shaped. I’d usually be the one to text first or if we met coincidentally (that has happened before) and so we’d talk everyday. For maybe a whole 2 weeks? It would comprise of afternoon texts and then late-night calls until about 3 AM almost every night. After that, he’d talk longer to reply but still have late-night calls. By the end of the month we’d have stopped talking to each other and the whole cycle starts again once I’ve plucked up the courage or I use a certain event as an opportunity. The longest our texting and calling lasted about 3 months? Then it died for the next 3.

My friends and I were starting to wonder whether he liked me.

It was pretty obvious that I was head-over-heels in love with him even though I was in extreme denial. I just refused to admit it. They interrogated him, blatantly calling him up and locking me out of the room to ask him. He never gave them straight answers. I even asked him myself but he said he doesn’t exactly know me well enough to actually like me in that way. From then on, I could tell we were more than friends but less than lovers.

He called me once and asked:  What would it be like if we got married and started a family? Not that we will but I just want to know. How could I refuse? It’s one of the most fun things to do. Planning ahead and leaving it to fate to decide if it wanted to follow my perfect plan. For the first two days, we eagerly exchanged ideas of wedding venues, dresses, colour, cake. We bet on which baby would come out first, girl or boy? And imagined scenarios like “after work” or “honeymoon”. It was magical and I could see it all laid out in my head.

I knew the relationship started to go down again when he started to snore during one of our exchanging of ideas. Again our phone calls were mostly, “you awake?” and snoring. We stopped communicating for the next few months after that.

We’ve kissed a few times. My friends obviously thought it was the best thing that ever happened but I didn’t experience any “fireworks” or anything that was pleasurable. To cut the long story short, he asked me to kiss him as “practice” for next year’s (actually this year) birthday surprise to my friends in case we had to, I refused countless times in a “I want to but it seems weird” way and then I thought: FUCK IT.

I’ve officially confessed to him on valentine’s day this year and he well, obviously rejected me but as maturely and nicely as possible. I can say I’ve 95% over him but that 5% still clings on to that last thread of hope that he might actually acknowledge me and possibly tell me he likes me too. Until this day, I have no idea why I like him. It’s not like he’s the most handsome guy in the world or the most perfect one with the greatest personality…

Now I’m in a state of forever alone and having my life-ruined by perfect people.

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