Just try to never grow up.

by arishaaar

A letter composed to my younger self of about age 5.

Dear Alicia,

If you’re reading this you know you’re awesome because I remember always being able to read difficult words at a tender age. We both enjoy reading like our life depends on it, hence the understanding of bigger, more difficult words.

I’m struggling to remember things that happened a decade back (oh yes if you do the math I’m 15. Don’t be lazy girl!) Let’s see… at 5 you will have Jon and Ryan as “boyfriends” and you have a group of friends in Brighton namely Natalie, Beatrice, Jon, Sebastian, Tristan and Li-Ann. Natalie is the tall one, Beatrice is the youngest, Seb is the naughty one, jon is your boyfriend, Tristan is the cheery and quiet one while Li-Ann is your BFF for those few years. Don’t ever ruin the bond between everyone. They’ll be with you for life and you can always count on them when you have no friends in school.

In 2 years, you’ll enter primary school and your first best friends are Vanessa and Cheryl. It’s was easy making friends ‘cos we’re not socially awkward and generally happy and friendly. You’ll change seats and sit next to a girl named Sabrina and you two will be the best of friends for the next 7 years until you change your interests to something she strongly dislikes. That will be your first fall-out with a friend ever and you’ll cry yourself to sleep every night for the next 2 weeks. Your friends will start to drift very far away from you and you’ll start feeling like an outcast, abandoned, alone in the cold which we call “society”. Your temper becomes more volatile and you’ll be stuck with extremely clingy girls who you don’t really like. But don’t fret because the Brightoners will be there for you and the bonds will become even stronger. I pity us, we are not one for drama and we are always blinded by optimism. Not that it’s a very bad thing but I urge you to be more careful in picking friends and what you say. Learn from me and don’t react to quickly to things that are sensitive. Instead, keep it to yourself and rant on blogs. Always works.

In a few years, daddy and mummy will divorce (you’ll know what that means in due time) and you’ll hear crying and screaming every night. You won’t be able to sleep from that I think. Mummy will suddenly bring Jon and you to Popo and Gong Gong’s house to stay for the next 2 days then Daddy will be downstairs and he’ll bring us back home. Up until then, you still won’t know why you’ve gone to stay in your grandparent’s empty house and why Mummy hadn’t slept well.

Not too long after, Mummy will pack up our things and she’ll bring you and Jon back to our grandparent’s house, this time with them in it. You’ll be shooed to the bedroom and later Mummy will come in with a very sickly looking face and we’ll all sleep in the same bed with Mummy stroking our hair.

Weird people will come to the house and ask you many weird questions. Very rude and intruding questions but being the polite girl and with the pressure of a hovering Daddy you’ll answer as truthfully as possible but have many doubts about your answer. You’ll go to some weird room and a queer lady with hand puppets will start asking you more questions and you feel like crying but keep a cool head and answer. Later, you’ll be chucked into a play room with tons of toys and Mummy and Daddy will both take turns to go inside and interact with you. It’s a test to see which parent is the closest and most interactive with the child. This is one of the determining factors of the ultimate custody decision.

When you’re 15, Daddy won’t be the same anymore and he’ll seem to care more about his girlfriend than you and Jon and you’ll have a huge argument with him and the poof! Father and daughter relationship, gone. Just like that. There’s a lot of things leading up to it (his girlfriend being the major problem) but it’s much too long and complex to write. Instead, the relationship between your step dad and you will have a massive increase because of that one shitty night between Dad and you. Well, to gain something I guess sometimes we also have to give up something.

Although all these weird things are slowly changing your life you won’t feel bothered by it all but yet inside it has steeled your heart, made it go cold and never think of love the same way ever again. Your friends will say you’re hard-hearted and heartless but you know that it’s just your outlook on love. So what if your ideas aren’t mainstream? At least you have one.

A certain aunt will enter your life for the next 6 years and you’ll constantly be pissed off and annoyed by her but without her your grades will just burn, crash and die. She’s the one who will push your lazy ass up to study. I really regret not studying hard enough since the start of secondary school and sometimes I really contemplate on bringing her back but the time I come home… there’s no point.

Back to the friends aspect of your life, Secondary school will seriously change your personality (according to some) and you’ll have short tempers and become increasingly vulgar. Your big group of friends will start to break up into small cliques with weak (Van der Waals forces OTL) bonds between each clique. By the end of Sec 2, you’ll be flung out of the group. Everyone will ignore you, even your two “besties” and you’ll feel the most alone you’ve ever been in your whole life. You’ll question your existence and then the relationship between you and mum will be very strong because she’ll be one of the only ones who’ll listen to your constant bitching about the people you once called friends.

But you’ll soon realise that they were stupid for leaving you because a few months later, the two will fight and eventually both of them will become friends with you again but the relationship will just never be the same again because you’ll choose to have an indifferent attitude towards everyone who aren’t close to you anymore and you’ll sit there and listen like you used to. But you will try to make it happen again.

You’ll meet great people as you move on with life. School was the first place. As you get older, you’ll like series’ , movies, music genres and bands then you’ll find yourself being part of a fandom. You’ll discover the wonders of twitter and tumblr and become so immersed in your fandom(s) that you’ll become a very big fangirl, shipping your OTP, crying over perfect men AKA your biases, hate on fandoms that don’t deserve to live like Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey. You’ll become increasingly perverted through fanfiction and like-minded people that’ll corrupt you and in turn you’ll corrupt others. Through your fandom and social networking you’ll meet two great people with Yiching (a friend from art class) Lakeisha through tumblr and Audrie by pure coincidence and chance. Lakeisha is your consulting detective Sherlock Holmes and Audrie is your butler Alfred along with your son Yiching who is Damian Wayne AKA Robin/ Night wing.

One more thing, you’ll move from Chancery to a quaint little house (EDIT: AHEMALFREDAHEM) and have two very caring and perfect neighbours, Natalie and Howard. You’ll develop feelings for that boy but just know, he’ll sort of let your frozen heart down. So far, he’s the only one able to do that. I don’t think we’ll figure out why though.

All in all, even though you think: Nah, I don’t have friend problems because I’m awesome and everyone thinks so too. That was one of the reasons problems cropped up in your life. But just move on and accept it. It’s part of life and being a girl. Enjoy your childhood as much as possible, cherish your family while you still can before the inevitable and don’t let anyone change your personality because you and me, us, we’re just beyond awesome.

Love, your older self, Alicia.

P.S: We are cute.

P.P.S: SCGS is the worst choice you’ll ever make but it couldn’t be helped.