I apologize for the incessant rants.
But this boy. My my, fine boy he was. How I adored this boy.
I just can’t understand why he’s become like this? I don’t know how he is to his other friends but shouldn’t he treat all his friends equally? I mean sure, Nat and I don’t spend so much time with him like his friend’s do but we’re still his friends, his neighbors. What if something happens to him and his parent’s aren’t there? We’d be the closest to him. Just because I confessed and I probably annoy him it doesn’t mean we can’t be friends anymore.
As I have said in my earlier posts, our relationship would take the shape of a bell curve in a graph.
He’s going to NS on the 9th of October. I’m going to miss him for the next 2 years. I say 2 years because majority of his weekends back home I won’t be free. When he comes back I’ll be 17 and a half. Then he’ll be off to Australia in the next month or so and then he’ll stay there for the next 5 years. In total it’s 7 years away and when he comes back I’ll be 22. Come to think of it, this will always past very fast. I’m really going to miss him.
BUT he’s seriously getting on my nerves. I wanted to hold some sort of dinner thing with him on the 8th which is the day I am the most free and before his NS. He gives me one word answers, bored answers and later I ASK: Do you think your mom will want you at home? and he says: Probably. HE should have thought of it first not me! HE should have predicted it and told me from the start. I’ll understand of course! If my son went to NS I wouldn’t let him go out for dinner with his friends! He knows I like him. Is that why? Is that why he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore? Is that why he’s ignoring me? I took it well. I didn’t cry or anything. Maybe he doesn’t want to lead me on any further. Ok. I get that. But cutting off all ties with NAT and I? That’s stupid. That’s being selfish. At least I didn’t chase him. At least I didn’t keep reminding him of that embarrassing day because I myself do not wish to remember it. Maybe he doesn’t want the memories of those late-night kisses we shared. Or sneaking out at 3 in the morning to my house. Maybe he just doesn’t want to remember me…
I’ve not made very prominent memories with him other than the kisses and late-nights but he’s dear to me. I couldn’t possibly let him go. Not even when he said I was PMS-y, not even when he ignores me, not even when he insults me, not even when he’s being a moody dick. I would still love him even if I can’t be his.
I feel like one of those heartbroken 15 year olds that broke up after one week. I admit I love like fire, it ends as quickly as it started but I guess it’s the raging passion we Leo’s have? Or maybe it’s raging hormones…
Kiss me hard before you go, Summertime Sadness. -LANA DEL REY