One of those late nights I feel completely useless. (Part 1)
Alright here’s useless night part 1, where I talk about my appearance. Oh yeah now I feel even more useless for spilling my useless emotions onto a wordpress post and talking about something as useless and superficial as my appearance.
It’s inevitable for us. Someday, at least once in your whole life, even the most positive person has doubted themselves. So it’s normal, it’s human.
I used to be that happy girl. I couldn’t be bothered with my parent’s divorce because I focused on being happy and just wanted to be cheerful for other people so I didn’t have to deal with depression at such a young age. Never once did I say I was fat or ugly or stupid seriously. I thought it was annoying when girls do nothing but complain about how ugly they are and fat they are when they are CLEARLY not. I ate everything on my plate (except the things I disliked) and since I was 10/11, I had no problems with PE since it was the only thing I enjoyed which was playing with friends and running around.
PSLE (a national exam) came around and PE lessons stopped, I was not allowed to play outside in the playground. I sat on my ass for a whole year exercising my brain rather than my body. I started puberty and my metabolism went crazy and I ate double portions of everything. From home food to fast food to expensive restaurant food. I ate like mad and got hungry every 3 hours. Combined with the fact that I hardly had any exercise the pounds started piling on. Before I knew it, 2 years had passed. I was 14 and sporting thunder thighs, bulging arm fats, armpit fat and tummy rolls when I slouched. The slim me of 13 years was destroyed because of 2 years of no exercise. I had stopped dancing, got lazy and was introduced to the wonderful world of the internet. I was lethargic easily and even a little bit of walking in town shopping with mum was tiring, we had to stop at every cafe for a drink. I couldn’t run as fast anymore and failed the 2.4KM run.
But up until this year, I had no one other than my father telling me I was expanding. To my own self, I was still of an acceptable weight. Why bother until I actually become over weight? Who cares about appearance? I’m gonna wear whatever shorts I want, whatever tops I want and I don’t care if I have to keep pulling my shorts down every time they ride up. WHATEVER.
But it all ended when I stood in front of my mirror in my underwear (being completely honest here) and noticed lots of cellulite on my thighs. I was fine with chubby thighs but cellulite has got to be the ugliest thing that has ever happened to me other than my face.
I became insecure. I finally came to my senses and realised shorts that ride up are too short and expose my fat thighs. I have a huge ass and it’s flab I swear ‘cos I can’t booty pop because 1. Asian, 2. It’s fat. I had put on a total of 6/7 KG. My friends started to get very involved in dieting and weight loss, “fat talk”. My insecurities increased as talk about that flew around my class room. There was no way of avoiding it.
So I decided: lose all of that fat and get back to your previous body! I had it planned out. Ditch the fast food, eat home cooked food only and eat less. Exercise every week at least. I always have it planned. I never do it.
It’s December the 20th and I have made some sort of progress. I eat much less now (appetite. Not because I’m starving myself) and have tried some exercises. I make it a point to just move to some songs on my iPod.
I feel insecure about:
- my body (flab)
- my nose (big and flat)
- my acne (way too much on my forehead and sides of my head)
- my hands (very tiny)
- my hair (too straight and layered)
This has been a ramble by batman