One of those nights I feel completely useless (part 2)

by arishaaar

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That’s what I have. It makes me so mad when bitches go: I’m too fat to live; I’m flabby; eew so much cellulite gotta starve myself so I can be skinny; my face is gross. STOP. You are gorgeous, stop it. Stop asking for attention you are CLEARLY more attractive than a lot of people.

We all face insecurities. My most prominent one would be my appearance. But wait, there is more to a person than that. There’s still talent, personality, IQ, etc.

Come to think of it, I’m more worried about the deeper things.

What is my talent?

Do people actually like me for who I am or just because I rant funny?

Am I actually a nice person or a nice to strangers only person?

These thoughts haunt me every second of the day. Then I start to think.

I have no special talent. Either that or it’s hidden or still undiscovered. I can’t sing, can’t cook, can’t sew to name a few. I used to convince myself my talent was dancing and drawing but then I got lazy (sorry) and well, I never got around to finding out whether I was really talented in dancing. For drawing well I am a bit out of practice but it’s so disappointing to just be able to copy something well without the use of tracing paper. I can never draw a body just like that. I need a picture to reference. I fool everyone into thinking I can draw just by showing them a few from my sketch book. They tell me oh you’re so good at art. I’m not. I’m just not creative. I can copy better than some but so what? The whole point of being creative is to be original. I am always amazed by my neighbour, when she has markers and she has paper, a beautiful picture is formed. Graffti style, random designs in her mind. That’s creativity. Or my butler Alfred (haha not really), she has her own style of art which I completely and utterly admire. I don’t have a style. It depends on the picture I’m referencing. I can’t colour stuff because I’d be too worried it wouldn’t look nice.

So I think again, well it sounds like I’m more of a science person then right? Wrong again. Science and math are not my best subjects. These subjects are very rigid and strict, only right and wrong, black & white exist which is why I’ve always enjoyed the arts. I like thought provoking things. So then, how about art like languages or literature? Wrong again. I cannot seem to pick up Chinese well enough for the exams. I like reading and hence took literature but essay writing is a problem. I’m once again, only good in one area. (at least) I would say interpretation of a text would be my strong point. I somehow don’t do well when it comes to essays about the book I was made to read the whole year. It would do me good to be able to memorise things and be able to explain. I really don’t like the elaboration part. Either I’m too long winded or it’s not enough.

/Ok let me side track a little

If literature is about art, then aren’t my opinions valid as well? Sometimes I understand that my elaboration was not enough but I think people should think a little more before looking at an essay. yes teachers you are there to guide us but being the good little Singaporean Asian kids we are, we’re very used to just being satisfied with whatever the teachers say. It’s kind of an Asian thing./

So then I wonder, am I actually NICE? I admit, I bitch, I insult. I have friends yes but it was because of my own arrogance that they left me for a while. I think I’ve humbled a little but I am still ego-istic and bitchy and rant-y and insulting. How will this affect me when I’m older?

As a Singaporean child, my one biggest worry is:

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I may be a laid-back person and lazy but some thing keeps me going.

It’s thinking about that period after O’s before a new school term. My planned trip to Europe is successful and I’m in London with a few friends, renting a room in a dormitory and working in some cafe in the street and meeting new people. Then we’re on the Eurail where we get off the train and take a day trip around each country and if we like that place more we’ll rent a room somewhere. It’s perfect and I know this is foolish but I want some sort of relationship there.

It’s the thought of waking up on the first day of school. The year is 2014. I walk down the huge campus of my desired polytechnic, to the info-communication faculty, up the lift, and sit down on a chair in front of a gigantic iMAC. I no longer have to think about math, english, chinese, science, humanities. I focus on the canvas in front of my face and pencil/brush in my hand and give my full concentration to the one thing I love, art. As the year goes on I gain friends, I sketch 50 things as weekly homework and my best friend is my Mac book.

18 years old and I’m flying to Sydney to stay over at my dear tofu’s apartment. I’m having the time of life there. I don’t care if there is no longer any feelings he’s still one of my best friends and any time spent with a friend is time well spent.

20 and I’ve graduated from poly. I travel to New York to visit a friend and then to Scandinavia to visit another one. I grow close to them and when I return home, we’ll skype and tweet each other all the time.

Finding a university in the UK/US with my friends from secondary school and move there together like we promised each other and let life flow from there.

Yeah I know, it’s over-ambitious, life never goes the way it happens but it doesn’t hurt to dream right?

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