We’re no teenage icons
This is a super long overdue post.
This is dedicated to my best friends.
You three are more than what I deserve to have. I feel .. unworthy to have friends like you. I feel like some lucky bitch who has three beautiful people as friends. School doesn’t seem that much of a burden if I actually think about it now. Sure this IS our last year together in the same school, our O level year but I’ve got the three of you to look forward to. You guys never fail to make me happy everyday, make me laugh and most importantly, give me the strength and motivation to push on. It’s already the second month of the year and I have already felt like giving up on everything. Maybe even life itself. But I push on for that day next year we get our results, the day we cry out of joy and happiness rather than regret and sorrow. We’d get into our desired schools and we’ll never lose touch even if we have many friends in our respective school. We’d meet up at least once a month (TRY!), have a coffee and babble on and on about what our month has been like. We’re not even there yet and I can just see it already. I just know we will make it. We’ll be able to hold our heads up high and our middle fingers higher for all those assholes trailing behind us constantly trying to bring us down because AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FO’ DAT.
You guys, (imma name you E, J and Legolas) that faithful thursday at the bench during recess. I have never felt so much love for anybody before. I’m not a sadistic person who likes to see people in pain so no it’s not because you all cried and that’s why. It’s your courage and willingness to share such things with others. We are all each other’s secret keepers.
E, hello beautiful. Life has been hard on you. I know that. When you told us (well Legolas already knew sorta), I felt protective. That was what I first felt. I want to protect you E. I want to shield you from all the hate this world has. From everyone that had hurt you for shitty reasons. From the pain, the grief. I want to help share the burden. Don’t bottle it all up, it doesn’t do anyone any good (so cliche sorry). I used to think people do that because they wanted attention and were whiny little asses who do nothing at all to try and solve their problems. But as I got more exposed to these people, I realise, sometimes it is a legit action. It is the only way, the only outlet. Sometimes people run out of tears, are numb to sadness. They’ve lost all the ability to feel happiness for a while. So I fully understand you. I will not judge you. You have my word. I will try to stop you yes but at the end of the day, it must come ultimately from your will to stop. I will do whatever I can to help you ok? Please trust me. Trust us. We are your friends, your best friends. The ones you can trust and confide in.
J, hello gorgeous. I don’t understand why fate has been so unfair. I’m worried for you, I’m worried for all of us. I cannot imagine life without the three of you. We’ve literally grown up together. I’ve known you for 10 years. If it’s anything I regret it’s not getting to know you better. I may have known you the longest but I certainly don’t think I know you very very well. On thursday, that was when I realised that. You’ve always come off as a happy person who has very few problems in life (I mean apart from school). But that day made me realise that I was wrong. Not that it’s bad of course! You know when you said that we three had to live without a whole family and you could and you felt you didn’t deserve to be this lucky? J, you totally derserve it. With all the things that have happened to you, you damn well deserve it. Look, our parents may be divorced but it doesn’t affect us. It kinda doesn’t bother us actually (right E, Legolas?) because it isn’t our fault. It’s an adult problem that we shouldn’t be involved in and we know that. Our parents know that. They haven’t exactly dragged us into their affairs and blame it on us because they know, it’s their problem. It was something they did wrong. They’re human too and they’re not perfect and they make mistakes. So they’re mistake was to marry each other. But they can never feel like we are a mistake because we are their darling children and no one can make them think otherwise even though sometimes we feel that they don’t think that way (yes I’m talking to you E and Legolas). So J, don’t feel like you’re luckier than us. Be grateful to your parents, they are handling it very well.
Legolas, hello lovely. Even though you had nothing much to say during covezzion-sezzion (oh yeah did that make you three fel seizure-y or french?) I feel you. I had nothing to say too and I felt, helpless because I couldn’t do anything at that point but to console. I really truly felt like I have to protect all of you from any harm. I would take the pain for all of you so that you all wouldn’t have to. And Legolas, I know you would too. In fact, all of us would for each other. Legolas, you are our confidant. You are like our mother (yes you have motherly traits even though you don’t want kids). You are the one we cry to, like children. The peace maker. But perhaps we then never notice you have problems too because we’re all too caught up with our own. I feel you Legolas. I really do. There might not be any problems now but please tell us if you have any ok? I swear to whoever, do not keep it to yourself.
So to all three of you once again, I just want to re-iterate:
Don’t bottle it up.
We are each other’s secret keepers
We are all equals.
Also, I know I didn’t have anything to confess that day. Well, I actually don’t really have a secret that I’ve been hiding because you all know it already. There was nothing else to say. But I do have something to say. It sort of bothers me and it’s really petty and I wasn’t brave enough to say it.
I actually feel jealous of the three of you.
I’m not THAT pretty, I’m not at an ideal size to name a few. The one thing that bothers me the mostis obviously, WHAT THE HECK IS MY TALENT?! E wow gymnast ok. Flips and shiz and if you tell me it’s not really useful in life, hey at least you can do stuff like that. I can’t even touch my toes! Both J and Legolas can sing AND dance AND are both in some PA stuff so yeah. I feel a little worthless when I’m with you guys. I don’t say these things to you all in person because I’m not brave enough and it’s so petty so it sounds a bit attention seeking. But it haunts my mind, it’s always there, at the back of my head. I honestly cannot draw that well, I went for lessons so I’m slightly better with a pencil than some people are but I’m not TALENTED. Sigh, I feel like I’m never gonna find it and I’m seriously going to end up like one of those 40-year-old spinsters whose had failed relationships and failed jobs and too many one-night-stands and drinks. Yeah, already feeling like that. A person who slogs at work and for what? Nothing really.
Ok guys, this has been a rather emotional post and I actually had tears welling up in my eyes ok. TREASURE THESE MOMENTS MY TEARS ARE PRECIOUS I COULD SELL THEM FOR BILLIONS OK THESE ARE RARE. (Oh hey it’s me getting all ego). I feel like this post doesn’t truly embody what happened that day but I love you all, please don’t leave VANG.
Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it’s alright
And nothing seems to change, and it all will stay the same
Ohh, don’t you hesitate
Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams
Just go ahead, let your hair down
-Corrine Bailey Rae
Oh look at me so ordinary no mystery with no great capability but
I could make out as if I had it
But you know god I’m so obvious and I should let it go oh I don’t know
I’m no teenage icon
I’m no frankie avalon
I’m nobodys hero
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she’ll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she’d fly
I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
‘Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I’ve said
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
I’m sick of all the insincere
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away
LOVE YOU ALL.