One of those nights I feel completely useless (part 3)

by arishaaar

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It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this.

I don’t understand why I’m becoming like this. Why I’ve started becoming more emotional. It’s only the 2nd month of the year and I’ve already cried 3 times. It’s never like this. I can go 2 years without shedding a single tear. As I got older, the time span became shorter and last year it was I think 2 times. Once in the first half because of my dad and another in the second half of the year because of my overwhelming love for my class.

I know it’s probably because I’m PMS-ing a bit as well but why? Friday has got to be the worst day I’ve ever had.

Some idiot splashed water all over me as he was driving past. And because of my temper, everything little thing annoyed me like fuck. I came home and my brother’s friends were all there, making a lot of noise, which only served to annoy me even more. I found that the food in my room which was OBVIOUSLY supposed to be refrigerated was still in my room and all the chocolates had melted. My rose from Legolas was not placed in a vase and it’s most probably dead. I was still coughing my guts out as I hadn’t recovered fully from my flu which my brother who has no common sense and rarely practices good hygiene passed on to me. And to top it all off, I FELT FUCKING ALONE THE WHOLE SCHOOL DAY.

Normally little things like this don’t bother me so much. But I did feel very alone on Friday.

I feel like a very childish person for saying this.

It started in the morning actually, I was already feeling rather PMS-y. I hadn’t finished SLK’s english homework ‘cos I didn’t know how to do it. Ja saw me doing it and she waggled a finger at me. Usually it’s out of pure playfulness but I don’t know, somehow I took as a sort of insult and I tried to tell her it was ‘cos I didn’t know how to do it but she kept telling me I was supposed to and stuff. Me being me I continued to take it as an insult and my mood was becoming worse.

Walking to the hall was also very lonely. I had no one to walk with and was walking behind a bunch of people who were shrieking and I was very close to shouting at them to shut up because it was 7AM in the morning. But seeing as I am “inferior” to them (here we go with the popularity crap again), I decided to try and move away from them. I spotted C and El walking behind me and tried to stroll with them but the corridor was too small for 3 to walk without one being pushed back every now and again so I decided to walk in front of them. Up ahead I could see my friends walking arm in arm with each other. I wanted to call them but they were too fast and far ahead.

I reached the hall and they were already sitting down, talking to each other and others. I sat down next to Legolas but it felt extremely awkward. As they say, “two’s a party and three’s a crowd.” Also, I wasn’t sure if I could sit there so I just stared blankly in the front. E came with some others and I joined her in the second row but she didn’t talk to me either. I felt a little isolated and my mind floated to my own world.

Math class, I gave the wrong answer in class. I know my class and I know what happens when someone gives a stupid answer. I completely embarrassed myself because no matter how hard I tried to tell my teacher, she couldn’t hear. I think it was my cough though. I gave a reall bad answer and I actually felt like I wanted to bawl at that point. I just had this over-whelming feeling of being a failure.

After the Lo Hei when we all sat down to have class recess. I know NCT was being a meanie as usual, always looking at me with disgust. Hey J, I know you’re quite good friends with the other side (if you know who I mean). I know they’re nice and stuff but I can’t help but feel possessive with my friends so watching you HI-5 them about being in the same primary school classes just kinda made me feel jealous and a little forgotten. I was in those classes too!

I think that’s all. Then came the splashing and my temper.

I seems now that cried because of everything that happened on Friday alone. I’m sorry it’s such a stupid reason to cry. I feel like a child again, crying just because my friend’s left me alone. Actually, I was stronger than this as a child. It’s true to a rather large extent (eew feel like I’m writing an essay). But my insecurities decided to spring up again and all I could hear were the voices in my head. Every part of me was screaming and I wanted to stop crying but I couldn’t. The tears just kept coming out, like a leaky tap.

Then I slept almost 15 hours. I was dead. Dead to the world.

This post makes -19234800298r3 sense. I’m sorry I’m so useless. This is my reason.

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Stuck in a room of staring faces, yeah
Caught in a nightmare, can’t wake up
If you hear my cry running through the streets
I’m about to freak, come on rescue me

Just might be paranoid, yeah
I’m avoiding the lines because they just might split
Can someone stop the noise
I don’t know what it is but I just don’t fit

-Jonas Brothers

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