Unlucky one

by arishaaar

This is just a small little thought of the recent occurrences.

Last week, my cohort sat for the Carl Jung Personality test and I got ENTP. That stands for Extroversion, Intuition, Thinking, Perceiving. It says: Quick, ingenious, stimulating, alert and outspoken. Resourceful in solving new and challenging problems. Adept at generating conceptual possibilities and then analyzing them strategically. Good at reading other people. Bored by routine, will seldom do the same thing the same way, apt to turn to one interest after another.

It’s scary how accurate this is. Especially the last sentence about being bored by routine. Which is one reason why I always say everything is boring in my life at this moment. All I do is school, home, tuition, work. Everyday the same old schedule it’s making me want to jump off a cliff. I’ve always wondered what life would be like after this tenth year in the school. I’m so used to my school’s culture, people etc, I’m actually afraid of what lies ahead. It feels like because I’ve been in this school for 10 years, it’ s actually put my life on hold and once it’s over, life is gonna zip past me and I’ll be 50. It’s actually that fast.

Oh so I told bear I liked him.

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Didn’t go as well as I wanted it to. He said he still liked me but couldn’t get used to me. One part of me screams: WHAT THE FUCK YOU SAID YOU LIKED ME AND BECAUSE OF THIS OTHER GIRL NOW YOU DON’T AND WHAT THE HECK DOES THE OTHER HALF OF YOUR SENTENCE MEAN?! But because I’m understanding (hehe) I told him it was fine. I’ve been friend zoned before anyways.

But the fact that I haven’t actually gotten over it properly yet scares me. It feels like he and I have actually put up this glass wall between us by ourselves. We can see, hear and talk to each other but we cannot physically touch each other (not in that way). Especially the next time I see him, there will be this tension between the two of us because we both liked it each other and kinda rejected each other too.

I actually don’t even know if there will be a next time. I think he’s cranky. When I told him that ENTP’s are adaptable people and then asked if I could call him. He said to entertain myself and that I had to get used to not calling him. WHAT?! Pissing me off.

I’m a destroyer of relationships because I am.

I don’t know, don’t know – this bug-like love
To a young me, it’s too cruel
What to do? My heart is already burnt oh no
My first love – this love is going to kill me, what to do?

I guess the sweetness was only momentary
What to do? How? What to do?
About my love that is getting bigger?
I don’t know, don’t know, I keep missing him
Foolish foolish – my foolish first love
I think I am going to die, mom – oh no
My first love – this love is hurting me

Love is cold, Love is pain, Love is fool
A first love like this is too painful for me
It’s too painful for me, who is immature
More than my first wisdom tooth

– IU
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