Paranoid

by arishaaar

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Why must this happen again? Didn’t we just make up? After all that time last year apart, I thought we would all come back stronger? What went wrong? What happened to our promises to each other?

Once again, my good intentions have been mistaken. I know it’s a trait I have, to have good intentions but not communicating it properly it ends up mistaken as being brash and rude towards the situation. I have come to realise that sometimes, some people don’t need advice right now. Maybe they just want some alone time. Not somebody trying to force sympathy and pity on them when they clearly have not even experienced what that somebody must be feeling. I realise that because I have been walking that fine line for ages and it’s time I stopped.

I am a temperamental person. Almost every little problem can bring me into an aggressive state of mind(?). So it should come as no surprise if someone tells me to shove off in an annoyed tone.  However, my situation is rather complicated. I know that she’s like that. That’s how she talks when she really needs to tell someone secretive and no one else can hear it. Just my luck because I’m a reactive person. She told me, “Go away! I need to tell her something! SHOO!” So me being me, I took it rather personally and kinda hung around for a bit. The two of them went to the top floor and I said to my other friend who was there, “Let’s try and sit with them. If they don’t let us, something’s not quite right.” So we did and one of them said, “Noooo…?” In a I-really-don’t-want-you-to-sit-but-I-don’t-want-to-be-mean-yet-I-must-be-straight-forward-if-not-you-won’t-get-it kinda tone. I can’t remember my exact reaction but if I’m not wrong I just kinda nodded or made a I-knew-it face. Well to me, that wasn’t meant to be offensive or anything but they took it as an offense and from then on, they’ve just been pissed off at me and not talking to me.

You must think, what a petty thing to be upset about! But no. This was just kinda like the final straw. A lot of things I noticed with these two kinda led up to their final decision to ignore me. Like with J, sometimes she can be quite aloof when addressing me. We can’t really have full length conversations alone and sometimes she chooses to be with others than she would be with me. With E, her mood swings determines our relationship. When she’s just pissed off at me for something I did, she snaps at me and stuff but I’m fine with it. I just back off and let her cool down. I wait for her to make the first move before I know it’s safe.

But as of late, J has not been eating and she’s very moody. J and E were originally not very close at all but then a boy popped up and E chose J to be like her secret keeper and the two have been extremely close since then. E and I used to write quotes from tumblr in our special notebooks because they inspire us and are very touching and stuff. But ever since they got close, J has started to do the same. She has even told Legolas that she does what E does too. Which doesn’t make sense because the marks of the deed are no where to be seen on her at all. I question, is she doing this just to feel accepted by E? Is she just saying this because all these depression stuff and quotes about being suicidal “cool”? If it is then I am seriously disappointed in her. Stop following these trends and think! Do you really know why some people do it?

I over think a lot so immediately all these thoughts flooded my brain.

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On the outside, I am fine. You know who gives a shit about these people who ignore you? Ignore them back and move the fuck on.

But on the inside, it’s like a war within my own mind. One part of me is trying to tell me I shouldn’t worry and just concentrate on the things I want in life. Unfortunately, that is the losing end at the moment and the winner is the half of me that tells me: oh hey nobody likes you. oh hey you’re not good at anything, talentless actually. I become increasingly sensitive about the way people talk to me and look at me.. almost as if I’m becoming paranoid. I have this perceived threat in my mind that everyone’s out there to get me, even the one’s closest to me (sorry legolas not you but you know what I mean) could back stab me at any moment. I don’t even know if I can trust myself anymore sometimes. Don’t depend too much on someone, even your shadow leaves you in the dark.

Is there a right way for being strong
Feels like I’m doing things all wrong
Still I’m here just holding on
Confess my heart and forgive my wrongs
-Sleeping With Sirens, Roger Rabbit

Now as the rain falls like shattered pieces of glass from the sky,
we bleed like water colors and drunken pastels down the stairways.
And I ask myself, why do I still pray?
When will it end? And who fucking cares?
Pierce The Veil, The Boy Who Could Fly.

Nobody prays for the heartless.
Nobody gives another penny for the selfish.
Pierce The Veil,    Caraphernelia.

 

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