by arishaaar

first post of the year! And I think this first month will be a good month as I am looking forward to 3 things. Specifically BBC’s Sherlock Season 3 at 5AM tomorrow, my 95% unsupervised trip to Hong Kong with a friend and the St. Jerome’s Laneway festival featuring some of my favourite indie bands! However the only thing that’s holding me back from all this excitement is my results… I honestly don’t think I did very well. But it doesn’t really matter which polytechnic I go to, as long as I’m doing the course that I want, I should be fine. Right?

Anyways, some other things I’m looking forward to is working. Weird? Naive? Perhaps. But I’m mostly excited about meeting new people and having more freedom from my family. I’m hoping my mother lets me eat out with friends who are working too… also excited about the money I’m earning of course, ‘cos then I can buy my own stuff without having to ask my mom. But also have to start keeping an eye on my spending, don’t want to exhaust my pay so quickly.

What will the new year bring? Other than a new school, what kind of new people will I encounter? I just realised that I’ll be thrust into a world of co-ed school and it’s going to be rather strange for me seeing as I’ve been in the same single sex school for the past  10 years of my life and it definitely did NOT help with my social skills around males. Not that I need or should date at  16 but I feel as if I would be less knowledgeable about the whole romance and dating thing because of my lack of contact with boys. I don’t even know if you date with the intention to get to know them better and then go steady or you date when you are steady? How does one flirt? How do I know if it’s flirting or just plain friendly talk? If I do get a boy, what do I do with them? I’m going to be quite torn between my boyfriend and my celebrities if I ever get a boyfriend. Highly unlikely…

Say the worst happens, I get a bad grade. Do I re-do my exam meaning I have to pay another $300+? or do I suck it up and take what is given to me? If I re-do my exam I lose one year. If I get something I don’t like, I might be doomed for university and career prospects? I hate how my life is still based on grades at this point when people try to tell me it doesn’t matter after a while. Can that ‘a while’ be now?

I actually don’t even know what’s going to happen if I don’t go to the poly I want to go to. Will I have this regret at the back of my mind for the next 3 years of my life? I don’t know if I can properly settle down if I don’t get into NP. I think and I hope I try to. But what if I don’t?

New year, new uncertainties. Life is full of them isn’t it? You never know what is ahead of you until it hits you.

Some other new year’s ‘resolutions’ I will put down because I feel like it even though I will probably not follow and also everyone has the same resolutions:

  • lose weight
  • write more
  • read more
  • get enough sleep
  • do more things I like to do
  • be more decisive
  • try new things
  • be a better person
  • be more confident

So will I be a  changed person? Will I break out of the shell of insecurities? Or will I remain trapped and suffocated by them, as I am now? Will I be destroyed from within or wear my insecurities and doubts like armour?