bitterness

by arishaaar

So my best friend has a boyfriend (and if you’re reading this hello there my dear ;D).

And I know it’s so trivial and small but my insecurities are starting to creep back up because today I was the gooseberry/third party/cockblock for their date(?). It felt kinda awkward but I noticed quite a few things which I guess show’s how much he likes her. I wondered to myself, who could like me like that? I’m a literal potato. The thoughts in my head are just screaming at me even though they’re my thoughts, why can’t I control them? I can’t stop thinking about how fat and unattractive I am even though everyone says it doesn’t matter but looks matter right? To some degree at least? Unless one has an aura that overpowers their seemingly unattractive look, it’s rather hard in this day and age to be attracted to someone who doesn’t look appealing to them at first glance.

Sure I’ve had one guy say he liked me but literally two weeks later he had the hots for a prettier girl and told me he couldn’t handle me. What does that even mean? What gives?

I’m scared of being in a romantic relationship because I hate getting too emotionally attached to someone and them just dropping me at my most vulnerable. But also, what if I never get one? I know it isn’t ¬†important at this age but I’d like a feel of it so perhaps when I’m older I know how to handle things? I know that most relationships around my age never really last because we’re only in the experimental age. How would we know? We aren’t that wise yet.

Who could love me? I’m an average person who lives an average life. I’m not physically pretty or emotionally beautiful if that even is a thing.. I lead uninteresting days and nobody notices me. Unfortunately I also have very high standards for potential partners(?) so I never really find many guys here attractive enough. I don’t really know I’m just feeling kind of bitter and envious maybe? I have had so many reminders why love is just a big fat lie because it’s full of deceit and stabs your soul and shatters it. I don’t believe in love and currently no one has given me reasons to.

At 17, the only girls who get the attention of boys are the pretty ones because males are such visual creatures and it’s quite tragic really. I’m sorry I can’t fit into XS or what. I’m sorry I don’t look nice. It sucks to want validation by a guy one day and then be all who needs a man. Why can’t I just be I don’t need no man girl forever.

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