set fire to my insides

by arishaaar

hey, it’s been a while.

Today was a bad day, and I think it’s becoming a thing. More of a thing than last year.

Jealousy, anger, guilt, misery, doubt, loss, confusion, loneliness, fatigue, vulnerability, emptiness, frustration, annoyance, bitterness are at an all-time high. I mean so are the good feelings but I find myself feeling mostly depressed and tired at the end of each day.

Mainly school work and the pressure of wanting to do as well as my classmates is putting stress on me. The many late-nights and temptations. The criticism, the thought that i’ll never be good enough for them or anyone eats away at my very soul nowadays. The thought of a course change is in my mind constantly but I’ve worked so hard to get to this course, I just hope my skills can really improve enough to get me to the next year. The only other course I would change to is equally as challenging and I’m not sure if I can pull that off too. If I don’t then… I don’t know what I’m gonna do anymore.

But today sucked.

First my Dad suddenly got really interested in the 1975 concert I’m going for in July and then he started saying that my aunt was angry at my cousin and didn’t want to let her go anymore. I hate being asked all these questions all of a sudden so I called him and we settled it. Then he said: “Your brother isn’t picking up his phone again, can you check what he’s up to?” Now this may seem lazy of me but I literally get asked to this every time and frankly it’s fucking annoying and I want to rip my brother’s arms out. I don’t know how he can go without looking at his phone the whole damn day. My dad has told him countless of times that he has to answer his call for like the past year but he hasn’t been doing that at all. Instead, he continues to ignore his phone and put it on silent mode and block out all sound by listening to youtube videos/Skype calls (via earphones) and his game sounds (via headphones over his ears). Who can hear the ring of a phone let alone it’s vibration? I snapped and swore at him for being a dumbass who’s too lazy to even answer a phone cal, to which he raged at me and I raged back.

The truth is, I’m worried for him, as any older sister would for their brother. It’s a simple  task, pick up the goddamn phone. If he can’t even do that for my family members, what about his boss in the future? How many opportunities would he miss? Would he even get a job? He doesn’t even answer a text! Everything’s so heavily relied on technology and if he doesn’t adapt, he’s going to lose out on so much. For Christ’s sake, he’s 15 this year. So I brought this up to my mom and she said: “Why should he care? The only person trying to call him is your father.”

“But when you call him and he doesn’t pick up, doesn’t it get annoying?”

“Yeah but at least aunty joy is at home, so I can tell her to pass the info to him.”

Great going mom, pushing all the responsibility to the helper. Yes, you hired her but there are some things we are meant to learn and do ourselves like answering a bloody phone call!!! I tried to tell her that this is a life skill but she wouldn’t listen to reason and proceeded to talk about how my father isn’t paying for the phone bill so my brother doesn’t have to pick up the phone and if my brother really wanted to talk to my dad he would pick up. Well she missed the whole point of my conversation because what I said was that he doesn’t pick up anybodies call. Meaning to say, he doesn’t want to talk to any of us. And she gets mad if I don’t pick up her phone call. Fucked up logic seriously. I can’t believe she thinks it’s ok to let my brother rot his life away and not even have any interaction. Sure he has friends but they all have never gone out together to watch a movie or eat. NEVER. So much so that my brother only knows the bus to get back to my house from school and when he misses it, he’s too dumb to think of a way to get back and immediately troubles my dad to fetch him home. He throws tantrums in public and it’s quite strange to see a tall and big sized boy crying and banging tables at this really nice mall in the central part of the city. It’s quite embarrassing really and I have no clue how he’s going to survive after secondary school. Social skills are really important and he lacks many. And the best part is my parents (more my mom), spoil him to bits and lets him have free range because he doesn’t break curfew and the only bad things he’s ever done is get an F and be lazy. He can’t break curfew ‘cos he doesn’t go out dammit. Also don’t understand why she’s still letting her hatred towards my dad affect her decisions? She always tries to make it seem like she’s the better person which I don’t believe but I also wouldn’t say my dad is better because both are equally stupid to me.

I’m seriously torn between helping my brother and just leaving him be because he nor my parents are putting any effort into helping him improve on his character or studies. All he does is laze around and play games and lock himself in his room. Mom also needs to remember that my dad’s only way of contacting my brother when I’m not there/not available is through his phone because we haven’t lived with him for like 10 years hello???

Another thing, I have no clue what’s so wrong with wanting to wear makeup to my baby cousins’ tea party? I know it’s not necessary because their just family but I want to feel and look pretty. Why can’t I? Must you judge me all the time? You’re not even my mother please.

Let us end off the night with a bit of unreasonable jealousy from unreasonable me. Everyone knows my best friend is gorgeous. Everyone says it too. She’s pretty, she’s kind, she’s smart, she’s talented. Who wouldn’t like her? Many guys have come up to her or to me to say that she’s pretty, even 2 of my sub group mates. I don’t know but I wish people would do that too. Just like randomly tell me I’m pretty and not just from friends because face it, deep down, compliments from people not really close to you are somehow better than from friends. Sure I’ve gotten random compliments from friends whom I haven’t seen in a while who’ve said I got prettier which I am really grateful for but when’s my turn to be ‘EC’ed? (EC = eye candy) My crush doesn’t even notice me and the only person who said I was pretty was a player so he says that to every girl. My best friend gets hit on a lot and today she got hit on by a married guy like what which is really bad don’t ever go back I swear to god he will find you. But I… wanna know what it feels like. I know I know, it’s like oh it sucks ‘cos they’re all creeps. But I just want guys to be like hey you’re kinda cute to me like I need that kind of validation from people (trash talk please bear with me). I want guys to be like: oh my god ya that girl she’s so pretty etc etc… just once? and argh, I need someone to cure that feeling of wanting another being next to you. Not sex just, the presence. The quiet moment filled with calm and peacefulness. The warmth of two bodies, taking breaths at the same time. The feeling that you know they will protect you and love you just as much you will for them. But that’s all a lie right? I mean look at my parents, 10 years and they still hate each other’s guts. I don’t want to turn out like that. I don’t want a failed love. Maybe I should just give up on the idea of romance altogether. It’s completely irrational and insane and probably in the way of everything isn’t it? Sigh.

The burn of alcohol is much welcomed right now.