ramblings

by arishaaar

You looked so happy, I was so overjoyed and full of emotion to see your face of utter disbelief and the moment you turned to face away, not only did my feelings for you return, I also realised just how strong the power of friendship is. So much so that they feel like family. I’ve only known them and you for about 4 months and I honestly don’t think I can get through school without them. They are my shoulders to cry on, the ones that bring me joy and love and make me laugh the loudest. They’re the ones who’ve opened my eyes to new things, to see things in a different perspective and learn new things. It’s been a great 4 months really. But you in particular, I could feel the genuine love coming from them seeping into you and oh you looked adorable once the realisation set in that you had started to drift away from us. I just want you to know, that we are always here for you and we did that because we loved you and appreciate you. Of course we didn’t forget you my dear.

Do you like me? Why are you screwing with my head? I have so much internal conflict with my inner self it’s frightening. What the heart wants and what my brain says is feasible is really conflicting. I want a boyfriend but I also don’t want to experience heartbreak. It’s silly I know because someday I’ll have to and my heart says, better to find one now, and get heartbreak when you’re younger than older when it’s busier and there isn’t anytime for emotions. But my brain says I should wait a little longer so I can be more emotionally mature and my heart protests: I AM MATURE! But I don’t know… I’m probably not. But you keep flirting with me and I don’t even know, I’m trying not to be desperate and jump on the relationship bandwagon so quickly but the temptation eats at me everyday and it’s getting harder because now I see as my desirable than him literally because you give me attention and it’s quite sad that I’ve become like this. I’m also scared if we do get together, I’ll still want him and I’ll upset you and you’ll tell him about it since you guys are so close and I’ll just lose both of you.

I want to date you but I don’t want you to leave us for good if we break up. I don’t want it to affect them and of course I will establish that if we ever date but things aren’t always set in stone. If you leave again, the group will be sad and I might be bitter over you and maybe not want them to mention it ever again and tension and maybe in my sadness, I’ll drift away from everyone, even those that I know are there for me because the guilt will be too much for me to handle. Sometimes I wish we weren’t in the same group, maybe then I wouldn’t have to worry about this. The tension won’t be within the group at least. And I’ll still have everyone. But I’m glad you are, because at the moment, your friendship with us means the world to us and I can survive without you I guess.

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