what a strange feeling

by arishaaar

i cannot deny the tiny moments where i felt drawn to you. i only push away these feelings because you are not mine to fawn over. and i do not want to upset both of you, and myself. you creep into my mind like little bed bugs crawling around. i think about you when i least expect to, when i’m bored my mind drifts to you and how you could banish this drabness.

everyone says we look like an item and i know we do. i remember when we went out with the others on tuesday and you were constantly trying to provoke me like it’s your favourite past time and whatever result i produced cracked you up every time, like when you pinched me really hard and i started yelling at you and all you did was laugh at me. that time when we went down to where they sold moon cakes and we stole every sample off the counters and you teased me with one of the pieces which you then fed to me. when i talked to my friends about the possibility of hooking up with a good friend in the future their immediate thought was you when i originally meant for the future to be at 23. even she says that if you were to like anyone and it would be me and secretly i agreed with her because i notice what we do as if i were a third party. is that weird?

i notice everything about you, even more than she does. how your hair frames your face at a certain angle after you sweep it back. how you looked absolutely fantastic when i made you try on that shirt and you unbuttoned the first two buttons. how nice your forearms look when you roll your jacket up (and the green of your jacket matches mine perfectly). how your hands match the perfect definition of artist hands because they create art when you move your tools across the paper. how the shirts that actually fit you properly showed off your slim figure and your slightly broad shoulders and how those shoes we picked out fit you like magic and made your legs look endless.

but most importantly, i notice how your laugh lights up everyone’s day because you tell the best jokes, no matter how corny and cheesy they are. how you are so good to talk to because it’s hard to find people with the ability to switch between topics with such fluidity and ease. how you listen so well on top of being able to how a proper conversation. how you strive to make everyone happy, no matter how bad your day went. how you click so well with children and even my own brother. how you tease people, especially me and even though it seems annoying, i know it’s your way of showing how much you care and it becomes endearing. how you’re actually not as happy as we think you are because your family treats you like shit but yet you care and respect them enough, which is hard to do with the kind of family members you have. how you actually radiate the colour orange.

that thursday was magical. not in a romantic way though. i finally got the chance to meet you properly. it was our first time with just the two of us. and we really bonded in a way i’ve never had the chance to bond with anyone before. i’ve known you for less than 6 months but i feel like we’ve known each other for ages. i never imagined i could talk and walk around with you while you were carrying that ridiculous board for close to 6 hours. i guess i should’ve known judging by the first day of school. i remember you picked up the ‘secret’ i had written for class and your execution of it was spot on. it was hilarious and i just knew we’d be really close. you made me laugh so hard that day, something i’ve only been able to do with people who i’ve spent years knowing. it was nice that i realised that i can be friends with a guy. but i also realised, i don’t think we can go past the best friend level. half of me is disappointed but the other half tells me that it’s a good thing because sometimes friends fill some voids that a relationship cannot. and even though we’ll never be together, i know you will still protect me and all our friends because i can see how much you care for us and it’s heartwarming.

and in the end, when we came down from the high of laughing uncontrollably and your friend left, i remember just walking silently next to each other, the bustle of the city in the background and it was relaxing. you asked what i was thinking about and i simply replied, stuff. and when i came out of the bathroom, i saw you leaning against the railing and staring into nothingness. i came up next to you and leaned against it too. i asked you, so what you thinking about and you gave me a smirk and replied, stuff. and we just walked back to the train. and that was when i came to the conclusion that honestly i’m in love with our friendship and despite the fact that we will never be i just want you to know that i love you. and i guess, you will be my artist and i will be your writer.

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