update on the orange boy
- i love when you get really self conscious about everything I or others tell you about yourself.
when you knew she liked you and i told you that very day, i remember how silent you were and i knew you didn’t turn her down because you didn’t like her but other than not having any mutual feelings, i knew there were feelings of denial and you couldn’t believe that anyone could like you romantically.
months later and i’ve brought her up again and both grape mom and i are telling you all your admirable traits and i remember how much you smiled and tried to laugh it off and i’d like to think you were happy and a little shocked to find out that people actually had thoughts like that about you. And i know you were probably a little overwhelmed because you’re not an egomaniac (like me). On the contrary, i think you probably didn’t want to hear it but it was nice to see your cute expressions and i swear i just wanted to hold your hand, look you in the eye and tell you it’s true before pecking you lightly on the lips.
i asked you if you considered me your best friend and your response was truly something special, at least to me. you just made me feel so secure and happy and i couldn’t have asked for anyone better. with everyone really i’ve always felt that hint of judgement. i’ve always floated from friend to friend. sometimes i’d bitch about one friend to the other and it’s sad how all my friendships have turned out to be just about us bitching about some girl. not that i’m saying i’m not close to them but i feel like there is always something i can’t really say or do, for fear of judgement and rejection. and i guess that’s why i have so many friends, a group for this issue, another for that issue. but with you, i feel like anything goes. like you’d listen to every stupid thing i’d have to say and i’d do the same for you. i almost cried. it was so legit.
then i also told you how grape mom and i thought that you were the most dateable guy in class and i remember your disbelief and how you said you couldn’t sleep that night and saying how you got lucky cos the other ‘contestants’ were just really bad (which was true haha) but i hope you saw the faith and love we have you.
the next day after i spent a whole day with grape mom talking i actually got a little scared because we talked about liking blue and i actually kinda got convinced. i’ll never say this to you but i actually went home with a rather heavy heart. i was afraid that you would confirm the suspicion and though i will tell you i am happy for you but inside, my entire being would have stopped working and it would feel like a huge trapdoor had opened from underneath me (suspicion) and i had managed to grab onto the sides and then you stepped on my fingers (confirmation) and let me fall into the never ending chasm of denial and sadness. but to my surprise you had asked me to actually call you and i was so happy i did a sorta happy little dance in my room. i loved how we actually could address the whole ‘who do you like?’ issue rather comfortably and it’s always a joy to talk to you. and i’m glad we weren’t face to face because when grape mom mentioned she shipped you and me together i could feel my whole face get warm and i’m not sure what your true reaction was. ideally it could go like you mention it and say, ‘hmm… i guess that’s true.’ but you know, we don’t live in fantasy land. i can’t believe we actually talked for 3 hours.
- i love when you smile or laugh and your whole face lights up and your eyes curve into crescent moon shapes. your ‘eye-smile’ is so adorable. i love how you get conscious about that too and buried your face into a pillow after we insisted it was cute.
- i’m not sure why, but whenever i got the feeling that you’ll be wearing the doctor who shirt, you do wear the shirt.
- i love that blue shirt you bought from Topman. It fits you like a glove.
- i’ve been dreaming about you lately actually.
- i love your sleepy voice, it’s so adorable it made me feel like i was right next to you in bed, just listening to you fall asleep.
- when i watched 500 days of summer, it made me think of you but you’re not entirely Tom Hanson, and I’m not Summer Finn, or vice versa. We’re a little bit of both mixed with scared of commitment but ready to fly.
- when we watched horror movies, you scared face was so cute too. and there was a moment when you leaned in closer to me, maybe you needed my comfort but was too scared to ask for it and i hope you noticed that i leaned very slightly into you as well. I hope you know, i’ll be there for you when you need me to be.