a lack of colour

by arishaaar

So it’s been a while since I last posted. Like, a really long while. 5 months long.

Breaking down the last 5 months, basically I had a really stressful time in school because I was struggling and was also desperate to get my grades up from my horrible one last semester. I lost a friend. I also confessed to orange boy because, why not? I never really believed in keeping all these feelings inside me haha. And… no surprise, he rejected. I went to the UK for holiday and also dropped my phone in some water and I was phone-less for the last few days of my solo week and also fell sick. Things never go your ways sometimes you know? Even when you’ve been dreaming and planning all year for it… I also met some new people during the last 3 months as well. I got the grades I wanted and I’m so happy for that but I unfortunately didn’t get into the specialisation I wanted. Damn.

Anyways so about those new people. They’re orange boy’s old school mates. I got close to one of them. Let’s name him Krieg (after his favourite game character). Some background info about him, he used to like this girl in his class who ended up rejecting him (much like orange boy) and was devastated and heart broken. We started getting close when we played L4D together and he was a good texting buddy during my horrible stressful school days. We got even closer after some late night chatting on skype and through a new game I got called Borderlands 2. We coincidentally made characters whereby his character was rather attached to my character. And our texts and talks are of a flirty and playful nature so this added information heightened (?) the mood?? I have no idea. But anyways, we played ’til super late almost every night for about 5/6 weeks and in between went out twice to have a nice chit chat. I was a little wary at first but after finding out he was a really nice person to talk about life with, I agreed. He opened up and so did I and for a while I actually thought about him… in a slightly romantic sense. We were both people who wore our hearts on our sleeves and passionate about our friends and we both even agreed we love our friends so much we’d actually die for them. We exchanged hugs on our second meeting and he even walked me home since it was quite late at night.

However, now I’m stuck. Due to our constant talking, I realised I haven’t had enough time for my other friends and time for myself. I started to get self-conscious about it and it coincided with the OP levels of the game (wherein the enemies are up to 8 levels higher than you and so are super hard to defeat). I got frustrated at dying and due to that our game sessions got shorter. I started to have less things to talk about and also started worrying more about my next semester since I realised I probably would have to do a lot of hard work just to be on par with my classmates. And I also feel he’s using me as a means to cure his boredom since he can’t do much at home and all. Now my anxiety is taking over and I’m scared of awkward skype conversations, I’m starting to cringe at the way he pronounces words and I reject a lot of his skype or gaming offers. And when he invites me to go out with just him with his friends, I decline too. Am I being mean or just anxious? I also need to do stuff like practice my tablet drawing and just my drawing in general sigh… Why do I offer emotional support to people so quickly and then they get attached to me? Although I cannot deny that I did enjoy the talks we had but now… I feel like any conversation we have now will just be boring and I can’t do many things like sing and dance in my room because he’d be there technically and I have nothing to tell him?? I guess the only solution will be to play or talk to him sparingly now…