slipping

by arishaaar

I think I’m slipping away from it all; My grasp on the edge is faltering. Every single thing you do that I find sweet or endearing pulls me back to you, only for you to tear my heart out of my chest and toss it to the ground, over and over again. I tell myself you’ll never fool me again when you do it but then you spill sweet nothings into my ear and I’ll spiral down into the hole you’ve created for me. You watch me like I was made to please you, like I belong to you. You seem like you don’t even know it. Do you? Do you know how difficult it has been for me to keep doing this to myself? Do you know how much of myself I’ve thrown at you only to get nothing back and when I seem distant, all you have to do is touch me where I like it and I’m back in your arms.

My friends have told me countless times to let go of you, to remove all of you from myself as much as possible and I know that that day will come but trust me, it will be painful. It will be absolute torture on my emotions and my mind to burn all the things you’ve said to me, you’ve done to me and all the memories we made. All the happiness created between us, was it not enough to make you stay?  How horrid it is, to treat someone with such utter disrespect when everything they’ve done is for you. When they’re almost living for you and you’re just there taking everything for granted. You’re my first and last thought in the day and pretty much everything in between too. I see you almost everyday during school term and soon, soon that will disappear. Not because I am moving but because you have not learnt to mature enough to deserve what I give to you. You have not matured enough to understand that everything I do for you is out of love, romantic or not. You told me you wanted this to be platonic and so I agreed, but you knew the risk that you and I were taking. I asked if being too affectionate would make us (or me more specifically) too attached until we couldn’t bear to be apart but you told me it was alright and that it would make our relationship a lot smoother. But no, it hasn’t. You’ve put in a very strange spot, dangling between here and there. You have no obligation to me to, for example, talk to me all the time or be there in the way boyfriends are but who are we kidding? Of course I would expect it a little; we do everything couples do except call it official. Sure, I’m always torn between these two stages with a lot of boys but this is the furthest I have gone without being in an official relationship and the child in me is chiding me for letting this go without fulfilling our fantasy of the perfect boy first.

Not only that, you’ve been a pretty bad “best friend” too. While it is totally fine to have more than one best friend (I have about 6), you still have to be loyal to them. You don’t neglect one to be with the other. Especially if your other best friends/friends are in groups while I’m not. I don’t exactly have a group within the class because our clique broke up. Two girls decided to be absolute drama queens and leave, the other one left because you were being a dick to her and now I’m left with you. I still have her but she has her boyfriend as well and we don’t spend that much time together physically outside school anymore. You however, decide that you should literally worship the other “best friends” that you have and follow them around like their dog. It’s so clear to everyone that you’re with them because you chase grades and they’re the best in the class. So you push everyone else aside just to get to the top? That is not the guy that I am friends with nor the one I fell for. I’m not saying that you have to be lazy with me but it really seems like you only want them because one of your best friends is in there and the other two so happened to be there and be at the top. I will admit, it makes me jealous, how you happily go along to whatever they want to do and go wherever they want to go but with me it’s restricted to certain places. With them, you can spend hours talking and never want to leave. I can provide endless conversations for you too but no, you decide you want to leave as soon as the job as done and go home and play games. You won’t see me unless we are having sex. When we’re alone we’re always doing sexual things. Sometimes I kinda miss just talking and obviously that makes you happy to but you restrict that to something you only do with them. It broke my heart to realise that when one of them is out alone and you are called upon to join them, you would go with no hesitation spontaneously but if I invite you the day before, you make up excuses like “I heard the movie wasn’t that great.” For god’s sake, if we were watching it with them, you would go right? What is wrong with you? You are only lucky that my group of friends aren’t part of our class.

You clearly ignore me when we’re out with them and when we’re alone, it seems like we’re the only two people in the world which makes me infinitely happy. If we were just real friends with benefits, you wouldn’t do sweet things like hold me in your arms and plant kisses on my neck and my face. You wouldn’t want to teach me how to ride a bike after a session. You wouldn’t want to dance with me and jump on the bed. You wouldn’t want to let me make a playlist for you. But you do. You let me do all these things for you and you’re taking them for granted. You never do anything in return. I don’t ask for a lot, just your time and your attention because your goddamn presence means a lot to me and leaving you everyday tears away at me, I don’t even know how I’m going to survive internship which is 5 months long or after graduation when I leave for university and you join the army. Will we be able to keep our friendship in the first place? Does my friendship and my love mean enough to you to want to keep it up? Does my presence give you so much warmth in your heart that when I leave, you feel nothing but the biting cold and everything is bitter? I don’t think so, but then again, you have yet to prove me wrong so we shall see.

But in the mean time, a tip to myself. Keep your chin up girl, boys are scum who tread on your heart, but only if you let them. Better days will come. Your friends and family love you.

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