soliloquy of the solipsist

bitterness is a paralytic. love is a much more vicious motivator.

ramblings

You looked so happy, I was so overjoyed and full of emotion to see your face of utter disbelief and the moment you turned to face away, not only did my feelings for you return, I also realised just how strong the power of friendship is. So much so that they feel like family. I’ve only known them and you for about 4 months and I honestly don’t think I can get through school without them. They are my shoulders to cry on, the ones that bring me joy and love and make me laugh the loudest. They’re the ones who’ve opened my eyes to new things, to see things in a different perspective and learn new things. It’s been a great 4 months really. But you in particular, I could feel the genuine love coming from them seeping into you and oh you looked adorable once the realisation set in that you had started to drift away from us. I just want you to know, that we are always here for you and we did that because we loved you and appreciate you. Of course we didn’t forget you my dear.

Do you like me? Why are you screwing with my head? I have so much internal conflict with my inner self it’s frightening. What the heart wants and what my brain says is feasible is really conflicting. I want a boyfriend but I also don’t want to experience heartbreak. It’s silly I know because someday I’ll have to and my heart says, better to find one now, and get heartbreak when you’re younger than older when it’s busier and there isn’t anytime for emotions. But my brain says I should wait a little longer so I can be more emotionally mature and my heart protests: I AM MATURE! But I don’t know… I’m probably not. But you keep flirting with me and I don’t even know, I’m trying not to be desperate and jump on the relationship bandwagon so quickly but the temptation eats at me everyday and it’s getting harder because now I see as my desirable than him literally because you give me attention and it’s quite sad that I’ve become like this. I’m also scared if we do get together, I’ll still want him and I’ll upset you and you’ll tell him about it since you guys are so close and I’ll just lose both of you.

I want to date you but I don’t want you to leave us for good if we break up. I don’t want it to affect them and of course I will establish that if we ever date but things aren’t always set in stone. If you leave again, the group will be sad and I might be bitter over you and maybe not want them to mention it ever again and tension and maybe in my sadness, I’ll drift away from everyone, even those that I know are there for me because the guilt will be too much for me to handle. Sometimes I wish we weren’t in the same group, maybe then I wouldn’t have to worry about this. The tension won’t be within the group at least. And I’ll still have everyone. But I’m glad you are, because at the moment, your friendship with us means the world to us and I can survive without you I guess.

7 Awesome Things Women Shouldn’t Feel Bad About Enjoying

Thought Catalog

If I have learned one thing in my years of writing for the internet, it’s that people hate when you like shit. More precisely, they hate when you’re a young woman who likes shit — and they ESPECIALLY hate when you’re a young woman who likes shit that they think is dumb. Announce that you like manicures, or trade some tips on a good beehive, and watch people come scrambling over the fences like rabid gender zombies to tell you how you’re setting feminism back fifty years. Well, I’m here to put my foot down and tell you that those people are idiots, and we should being enjoying the stuff we enjoy EVEN HARDER in the face of their ignorance. Here’s to our beloved #girly stuff, everyone!

1. Makeup

You know what makeup is like? It’s like being a painter, except your face is the canvas, and instead of selling…

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Being An Extrovert Isn’t Easy, Either

ALL THE REBLOGS

Thought Catalog

I remember the first time a man told me that I should “stop flirting.” He was my boyfriend, I was about 20, and we were waiting to get our coffees. I was talking to the male barista, making conversation about the school we both attended (we were right next to campus) while he steamed the milk. “You’re being desperate” my boyfriend told me, his voice filled with venom, “Why do you have to flirt with every guy you see?” I was taken aback, suddenly had no appetite for the tall vanilla latte I had been waiting for. I apologized, even though I wasn’t sure what I really had done, and from that point on made sure not to talk to male servers and baristas unless it was absolutely necessary (or I was alone).

Of course, it wasn’t the first time someone had assumed I was flirting with a strange man…

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The Girl Every Girl Is Jealous Of

Thought Catalog

Her hair is always shiny. It’s long, but not too long, and never has split ends. It’s that dark, warm chestnut color that seems to be infinitely deep, with the halos of light that reflect off of it every few inches. It seems to move in one solid sheet, rippling and flowing and always falling perfectly over her shoulder. She smiles when she looks up at you, taking a small handful of that hair and flipping it to the side. It’s put together, but never fussy.

She has a good job, and you’re never quite sure what it is, but you know that it’s important. It’s for something like a non-profit, or a think tank, or something she refers to as a “firm.” (And you aren’t even sure what a “firm” really means.) She works long hours, and does her job, but she never seems too tired. When she takes…

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poems

hey there, as you may know, poetry writing is something i want to believe i have a sort of flair in. Which explains why I have a poetry writing twitter account: @aeviternaI and also a hello poetry account! awesome right haha? I should reiterate that my wordpress is mainly for me to try and put my thoughts into words and that’s why they’re usually amateur-ish and jumbled up and messy. Like this post!

But I guess I could post my better poems here..just to give everyone  a taste of what my writing style is like (shameless self-promotion).

these are my favourites, ‘glass’, ‘you’ and ‘to the man on the train.’

I should really write more..

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set fire to my insides

hey, it’s been a while.

Today was a bad day, and I think it’s becoming a thing. More of a thing than last year.

Jealousy, anger, guilt, misery, doubt, loss, confusion, loneliness, fatigue, vulnerability, emptiness, frustration, annoyance, bitterness are at an all-time high. I mean so are the good feelings but I find myself feeling mostly depressed and tired at the end of each day.

Mainly school work and the pressure of wanting to do as well as my classmates is putting stress on me. The many late-nights and temptations. The criticism, the thought that i’ll never be good enough for them or anyone eats away at my very soul nowadays. The thought of a course change is in my mind constantly but I’ve worked so hard to get to this course, I just hope my skills can really improve enough to get me to the next year. The only other course I would change to is equally as challenging and I’m not sure if I can pull that off too. If I don’t then… I don’t know what I’m gonna do anymore.

But today sucked.

First my Dad suddenly got really interested in the 1975 concert I’m going for in July and then he started saying that my aunt was angry at my cousin and didn’t want to let her go anymore. I hate being asked all these questions all of a sudden so I called him and we settled it. Then he said: “Your brother isn’t picking up his phone again, can you check what he’s up to?” Now this may seem lazy of me but I literally get asked to this every time and frankly it’s fucking annoying and I want to rip my brother’s arms out. I don’t know how he can go without looking at his phone the whole damn day. My dad has told him countless of times that he has to answer his call for like the past year but he hasn’t been doing that at all. Instead, he continues to ignore his phone and put it on silent mode and block out all sound by listening to youtube videos/Skype calls (via earphones) and his game sounds (via headphones over his ears). Who can hear the ring of a phone let alone it’s vibration? I snapped and swore at him for being a dumbass who’s too lazy to even answer a phone cal, to which he raged at me and I raged back.

The truth is, I’m worried for him, as any older sister would for their brother. It’s a simple  task, pick up the goddamn phone. If he can’t even do that for my family members, what about his boss in the future? How many opportunities would he miss? Would he even get a job? He doesn’t even answer a text! Everything’s so heavily relied on technology and if he doesn’t adapt, he’s going to lose out on so much. For Christ’s sake, he’s 15 this year. So I brought this up to my mom and she said: “Why should he care? The only person trying to call him is your father.”

“But when you call him and he doesn’t pick up, doesn’t it get annoying?”

“Yeah but at least aunty joy is at home, so I can tell her to pass the info to him.”

Great going mom, pushing all the responsibility to the helper. Yes, you hired her but there are some things we are meant to learn and do ourselves like answering a bloody phone call!!! I tried to tell her that this is a life skill but she wouldn’t listen to reason and proceeded to talk about how my father isn’t paying for the phone bill so my brother doesn’t have to pick up the phone and if my brother really wanted to talk to my dad he would pick up. Well she missed the whole point of my conversation because what I said was that he doesn’t pick up anybodies call. Meaning to say, he doesn’t want to talk to any of us. And she gets mad if I don’t pick up her phone call. Fucked up logic seriously. I can’t believe she thinks it’s ok to let my brother rot his life away and not even have any interaction. Sure he has friends but they all have never gone out together to watch a movie or eat. NEVER. So much so that my brother only knows the bus to get back to my house from school and when he misses it, he’s too dumb to think of a way to get back and immediately troubles my dad to fetch him home. He throws tantrums in public and it’s quite strange to see a tall and big sized boy crying and banging tables at this really nice mall in the central part of the city. It’s quite embarrassing really and I have no clue how he’s going to survive after secondary school. Social skills are really important and he lacks many. And the best part is my parents (more my mom), spoil him to bits and lets him have free range because he doesn’t break curfew and the only bad things he’s ever done is get an F and be lazy. He can’t break curfew ‘cos he doesn’t go out dammit. Also don’t understand why she’s still letting her hatred towards my dad affect her decisions? She always tries to make it seem like she’s the better person which I don’t believe but I also wouldn’t say my dad is better because both are equally stupid to me.

I’m seriously torn between helping my brother and just leaving him be because he nor my parents are putting any effort into helping him improve on his character or studies. All he does is laze around and play games and lock himself in his room. Mom also needs to remember that my dad’s only way of contacting my brother when I’m not there/not available is through his phone because we haven’t lived with him for like 10 years hello???

Another thing, I have no clue what’s so wrong with wanting to wear makeup to my baby cousins’ tea party? I know it’s not necessary because their just family but I want to feel and look pretty. Why can’t I? Must you judge me all the time? You’re not even my mother please.

Let us end off the night with a bit of unreasonable jealousy from unreasonable me. Everyone knows my best friend is gorgeous. Everyone says it too. She’s pretty, she’s kind, she’s smart, she’s talented. Who wouldn’t like her? Many guys have come up to her or to me to say that she’s pretty, even 2 of my sub group mates. I don’t know but I wish people would do that too. Just like randomly tell me I’m pretty and not just from friends because face it, deep down, compliments from people not really close to you are somehow better than from friends. Sure I’ve gotten random compliments from friends whom I haven’t seen in a while who’ve said I got prettier which I am really grateful for but when’s my turn to be ‘EC’ed? (EC = eye candy) My crush doesn’t even notice me and the only person who said I was pretty was a player so he says that to every girl. My best friend gets hit on a lot and today she got hit on by a married guy like what which is really bad don’t ever go back I swear to god he will find you. But I… wanna know what it feels like. I know I know, it’s like oh it sucks ‘cos they’re all creeps. But I just want guys to be like hey you’re kinda cute to me like I need that kind of validation from people (trash talk please bear with me). I want guys to be like: oh my god ya that girl she’s so pretty etc etc… just once? and argh, I need someone to cure that feeling of wanting another being next to you. Not sex just, the presence. The quiet moment filled with calm and peacefulness. The warmth of two bodies, taking breaths at the same time. The feeling that you know they will protect you and love you just as much you will for them. But that’s all a lie right? I mean look at my parents, 10 years and they still hate each other’s guts. I don’t want to turn out like that. I don’t want a failed love. Maybe I should just give up on the idea of romance altogether. It’s completely irrational and insane and probably in the way of everything isn’t it? Sigh.

The burn of alcohol is much welcomed right now.

school: week 4

I am dying.

It’s the end of week 4 of 3 years and I’m struggling already.

I know it’s partly or mostly because of my lack of art skills unlike the rest of my class who are damn good at it. Wonderful things spawn from their pencil when it meets paper. While mine looks like a try-hard.

Scriptwriting is still alright, think I’m getting the hang of it. Unfortunately don’t think I’m on the level of creativity my teacher is striving for us to achieve. Gotta work on that. Thank god for him, he’s such a great teacher and tries to give us as little homework as possible which is always much appreciated.

IS sucks I hate it, it’s so useless really… well it’s good for product design and innovation students I guess? But for me, I’m not really one who designs stuff to improve life. I prefer thinking about other things. Well at least hip hop is as awesome as I expected it to be. Challenging but not too hard to conquer.

I got into dancesport for CCA lol chacha.

Drawing & perspective will be the death of me. I really cannot draw proper horizontal and vertical lines for the life of me and I still don’t know how to shade/smudge or whatever properly. I blame the fact that I didn’t take art but then again, I guess I should’ve learnt it by myself… argh hating myself again.

Principles of animation is such a burden… so tedious and frustrating but so crucial at the same time.

Light, colour and design? Another module I’m struggling in. I really have no clue about colours and layouts. I feel uncreative.

Fundamentals of Creative Professional? Another nightmare module for me. Again, I feel uncreative.

History of Film and Animation is still boring… trying my best to listen but I just get distracted to quickly.. need to stop oh man. History essays due next Friday.

All in all, I feel like a pathetic, useless person who has no clue how she ended up in her course and I’m actually thinking of another course I may want to switch to, I don’t mind another year in poly but I’m scared it’ll be another burden on my parents shoulders because it’s so expensive. I really hope I can excel or at least do well enough in this course. It was my dream course, I don’t want it to turn into a nightmare. How does one just turn on creativity? How do my classmates do it… So amazing.

Also, suspect 2 guys are interested in me but one is creepily blatant. “I want to marry you for your dogs, your body and your money.” Sorry man, I’m not looking for you. The other, I’ve just met and he told Him that his first impression of me was innocent. INNOCENT?! Ok maybe not interested but… you know… thought about me. Still don’t think anyone actually thinks I’m eye candy worthy.

I think I really need someone to hold me for an hour or so and talk to me and let me cry and sob onto them or something because I don’t know how much longer I can go on doing this alone. (Preferably Him but again, He is showing no signs of interest)